They say that we learn how to parent from our parents. Teenagers who get involved with the wrong crowd go bad. Hang around for too long in bars and chances are you will drink too much. If you are into the latest fashion, almost surely you move with a similar crowd.

     We become by example. We model our thinking and behavior on others. It happens all the time. If you were tormented by a cruel father who beat you and cursed you for years as you were growing up, you could go either way. Perhaps you have become an abuser like him. Or maybe you went the other way and, because you were so hurt by him, you have become gentle and sensitive.

     My father was an alcoholic. I saw him drunk many times. Though he was never cruel while under the influence of alcohol, I did see him at times on the floor. I was so traumatized that as a child I promised myself never to touch alcohol. To this day, I don’t drink. Because of the example (negative example) of my father, I went the other way. It is, however, true that it was his example that turned me off and caused me to abstain. Today I take care of alcoholics in our Nazareth Formation House. I must tell you that while treating them I often think of my dad.

     I have become so aware of this teach by example reality that even today I find myself being very conscious of what I do and say in the presence of my daughters. It was that way while they were growing up and it remains such even now that they are adults. It’s just that I saw how my behavior and the views I have on life have impacted on them.

     In my work with troubled people, I have seen the truth of how “we become by example.” In countless cases, I have dealt with men who hated their fathers but became very much like them without realizing it. I have looked many of them in the eyes and said, “You have seen your father and he is you.” They are usually shocked to learn what has happened. How could they have become so much like the father they hated? By example, that’s how. Unless we have learned to exercise a measure of self-criticism, we tend to follow the example of others. Our friends spend lots of time in the mall and we follow and do the same. We are quick to follow the latest fashion trends. Michael Jordan wears an earring and a whole bunch of guys follow. Perhaps they believe the earring makes the man that they secretly aspire to become.

     We become by example also applies to some of the most heroic people on the planet. The saints became saints by following the example and teachings of Christ. Some of the most disciplined men and women of different religions followed the example of great teachers.

     The truth is that, if we look closely at our lives, we will find that we have become what we are by reflecting the thinking and ways of some significant persons who had an impact, for better or for worse, on us. This is why we need to become more aware of who they are and decide if we wish to continue modeling ourselves after them.